This is a speech I wrote for the Toastmasters Humourous Speech contest. Unfortunately, I didn’t have it completed in time for the contest so I delivered it a couple weeks later. There were some jokes that didn’t come off as funny as I didn’t deliver them well. I think this is a speech I could refine to make it much funnier.
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Welcome guests.
Chinese are very inquisitive people. When I lived in China, some people would come up to me and they would ask me things like “How much money do you make?” and “Are you married?”. If I answered “No, I’m not married” they would follow up with “Well, do you have a girlfriend?” If I said “No” again, they would get a perplexed look on their face saying “Why not?”. They couldn’t understand this.
I think this is because in China they have girlfriend shops scattered around town. And when you do not have a girlfriend your friend’s job is to take you to one of these shops so you can pick out the latest model. You walk through the store with them and say “Oh yeah, I’ll think I’ll take Girlfriend 3.0 there.” She’s not as up to date as the 4.0 model but not as costly and she runs well. So I’ll go with that.
Unfortunately, none of my Chinese friends ever took me to these girlfriend shops. And I think because China has a lack of women that these places are off-limits to foreigners. They’re trying to keep all the women in China. No foreigners allowed to choose girlfriends.
But it’s a good question - Why don’t I have a girlfriend?
And unfortunately, I consider myself a shy guy which is a disadvantage when it comes to dating. So, at the beginning of this year, as part of my goal setting I set a goal to regularly ask out women I was attracted to. And as the year has gone on, I think I’m becoming better and better at it however, still no girlfriend.
I have discovered one thing though and that is women have a very special talent. They are very good at coming up with excuses when they don’t want to date someone.
Let’s see here, some of the excuses I’ve gotten have been:
- The standard “I have a boyfriend” which may be true, may be not true
- I’m going on vacation in a couple months and don’t want to get involved – ok, I can see that. It takes a couple months to pack and get ready with airline security these days.
- I’m busy at my job and I just can’t find an hour to meet with you over the next month or so.
- I’d like to meet you but if I meet you I want to bring a bunch of my friends. I don’t really want to spend time just with you.
- I only like married men.
- I’m don’t really know if I’m into this whole heterosexual thing. It’s not for me.
Although a good one I had was when I did have a woman who said “Yes” to meet for coffee next week. So when I followed up with her and said “Do you still want to meet up this week?” She just simply said “Mmmm, No.”
So at least she didn’t give me an excuse because I find these excuses - they’re very frustrating to figure out. I know they’re just excuses and I know I’m the common denominator so it’s complicated. What can I do?
Unfortunately, what I wish there is like Toastmasters for women - women masters - where someone could follow me around and give me feedback and evaluate me on at the end of the day on well I did. That way I can get feedback on my strengths and weaknesses that I can improve for next time. Unfortunately, Toastmasters hasn’t branched out of public speaking yet. Hopefully in the future.
So I realised I needed to figure this out for myself.
So many nights I went trekking up Mt. Doug and meditated on this problem - Why don’t I have a girlfriend. Finally the answer came to me.
So the reason is…
Oh, this is too embarrassing. I don’t know if I should really say. I don’t know if you really want to hear. Do you guys want to hear?
Well, the reason is….I’m just too perfect.
Yes, I may just be the most amazing guy in the world, God-like if you will.
And this is a big problem because one other thing I’ve learned about women is they like to get a guy they can fix up. When they get a boyfriend, it’s their own personal renovation project. They want, you know, they want to change different clothes, differently ways of talking, interact with different social groups. It’s just a big improvement project to them. So when women meet me they take a look at me and they think “What could I possibly do?”
So this is a big problem to me and I know…
Yeah, so they can’t fathom this, and that’s why they come up with all the excuses.
So I want to give a message to all you ladies out there. To just make it easier on yourself and for me next time. So that you don’t have to come up with excuses just say the truth next time.
“Matt, you’re just too perfect.”
Don’t worry. I’ll understand.